Cool Buddies

Art of Bullshitting [by Ratheesh]

Posted in Humour, Job, Sarcasm by Ratheesh & Sharada on April 7, 2006

We all know what the familiar, long haired, bearded, soft spoken, modern day guru conducts. Yes! Art of Living; nicknamed AOL by the ever growing ‘shishyas’. Bangalore being the center of IT-activity (I heard its Hyderabad now, but I guess I am a little slow), we should be soon starting a new kind of mission. And that one should be nicknamed AOB which stands for Art of Bullshitting.

Why AOB for the IT field? Good question. You have probably never been in the IT sector my friend. Try inquiring with your son or daughter or a buddy. He/she probably goes through hours and hours of bullshitting sessions while at work. Its absolutely amazing to sit in awe and respect when the ones higher to you in hierarchy go about bullshitting when they get a chance to speak.

Just a few hours ago we attended one of these. And the bullshitter (as we will call him/her from now on) started off with words from another world. Words which you probably read while you learnt them by-heart in school or later while reading a GRE book (you are lucky if you never read one!). While the bullshit flowed at us like cats n dogs all I could think of was write about it. When I thought further, I realised there is scope of a career change here.

Why not start an ‘Ashram’ of our own. We could call it ‘Art of Bullshitting’. Obviously with a big gate over which would be written. ‘Bow your head and bullshit while you walk in’. I could sit in there on a pedestal with long hair and beard (Sharada could of course sit beside me using a fan on me probably he he 🙂 ). And yes, the ashram will surely be inagurated by the best bullshitters from the IT sector. We could also pull in one of those business celebrities (ya, those regular folks who bullshit on business channels on TV).

If you come to think of it, bullshitting is not a new art. It is not something which is always done wearing a well pressed formal trousers/shirt (with a clown tie as bonus). A large amount of bullshit was always thrown at us over the decades by politicians who came post independence. So I guess this is just version two of bullshit, 🙂

Now lets try to break down the characteristics of a good bullshitter (might help us in future when we set exams at the ashram)

1. A good bullshitter talks on demand. Almost like a robot. Click the button and he/she starts talking. What is being talked about is unimportant. But yes, if its an IT bullshitter it will have something to do with software, delivery, model, policy, revene, some shit..

2. A good bullshitter stops to listen to you (unlike your dad), but once you stop, continues from where he/she left off and you will sit there wondering what happened to what you just told.

3. A good bullshitter always ensures he/she produces information that they obtained recently; whether that information is important in the current context or not is secondary. For e.g, a good bullshitter always mentions that the IT company X aquired Y just even when someone is being buried at a funeral.

4. A good indian bullshitter almost always ensures he/she uses a foriegn accent. Now, the fact that the foreign accent used by him/her is foreign to even foreigners is globally known truth.

5. A good bullshitter is easily recongnizable in the crowd simply because they are very typical. They would always pick up the ‘Business Today’ when waiting in a public place. When speaking to you they constantly look at the watch and pretend to be a very busy person.

Well, those were some primary characteristics. Ofcourse, there are more. Also, bullshitting is not really limited to the people in the upper echelons of power in various industries; these days it is trickling down to you and me too. Its around us. Have a look around you, the developer bullshits when asked why his code does not work. The celebrities on TV bullshit all the time in their interviews. There is an hour of bullshit thrown at you after every cricket match that india plays. And who can ignore the bullshit in the fashion world. Recently a model walked the ramp after her ‘wardrobe malfunction’ (trying to save herself from the numerous cameras in vain). The fashion designer said ‘Oooh, she was so poised, so elegant, she recovered well’. Ya ya. And in the same show I heard some more bullshit; this time it was one fashion designer commenting on another’s creation. ‘There was an underlying tragedy in her creations. A poetry’. Well, all I can say is if there is nothing ‘underlying’, then its a ‘tragedy’ baby.

So here we go, back to our big bullshitting world. Bye for now.

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